There are quite a number of excellent home treatment programs available to you in various formats. To evaluate and order, please click on the links below. First, however, please bookmark this page so that you can return here after evaluating each self-help resource.

1) This is a coaching series in downloadable video: Click Here!

2) The PanicAway program is another good choice: As with many of the products we recommend, it has a guarantee, is developed by a graduate level professional, and has excellent descriptions of both the problem and solution on the following page. Click Here!

3) The Linden method, another highly specialized approach to the treatment of panic attacks: Click Here!

4) An e-book with some fascinating approaches to the problem: Click Here!

Kind regards from Self-Help Resources

Social Anxiety is an extremely common anxiety disorder. Most of us are concerned about what others think of us, but social phobics are afraid to the point of debilitation. Many are unable to speak, perform, or even talk in a public forum when they are under scrutiny or observation.

There are a number of treatment programs available, and we are featuring a recently released, video program for self-therapy purposes. To evaluate and order, please first bookmark this page (so that you can return to our site) then Click Here!

You may also wish to take a look at the Root Cause program, too, which is described on the Fear of Rejectin tab at the following link: Click Here!

Stress is a biophysical, emotional, attitudinal, and behavioral response to challenging circumstances. Over time - and if left untreated - it can have very serious effects on health.

Stress management specialists assess the conditions which evoke stress in their clients and then design therapeutic interventions to specifically match these circumstances. Therapeutic recommendations will range from relaxation therapy to assertiveness training, again depending upon individual characteristics.

Take a look at the following, excellent books to help you learn more about this fascinating topic:

Eight Tips for Single Women Who

Want an Intimate, Bonded Relationship

By Carolyn Bushong

1. Don’t have sex too soon. Make sure you take time to know each other.

2. Always tell him what you want from him and from the relationship and what you will do if you don’t get it.

3. Don’t give him the power to make you feel great about yourself. When you do, you also give him the power to make you feel bad about yourself.

4. Make it a condition of your relationship that he be as open and honest with you as you are with him. At the first indication that he is not,  stop revealing yourself.

5. Don’t give more time, energy, love, or commitment than you get.

6. Don’t make the relationship too easy for him. When you do, you are telling him that you value him more than you value yourself.

7. Start the relationship by encouraging the treatment you want and discouraging the behavior you do not want. Remember, actions speak louder than words. People infer what you want from what you accept. If you accept bad behavior, don’t be surprised when it continues.

8. Be soft yet strong; feminine but competent. Don’t hide your strengths or diminish your accomplishments. Be sure he falls in love with the real you.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s amazing books? Click here!

LOVE ADVICE

Q&A:  She wants sex, he doesn’t.

Question:

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man!  He’s a loving family man with a secure job, he loves me dearly and tells me often, and he doesn’t have a problem showing affection toward me in public.  The problem is when we go to bed.  He likes to hold me, but that’s it.  He NEVER takes the initiative to make love – and many times when I do, I get turned down.  He says that the problem is not with me, but with himself, and he does not know what it is. I’m afraid our love-making will become non-existent after we are married.  What should I do?

Answer:

You are right to be worried about your sex life before marriage since marriage seldom makes passion grow stronger.  You have more power now to change the situation – before the commitment is final, so stress that this must be resolved before you wed.  Tell him that you enjoy sex with him, but that his lack of desire and passion makes you feel less desirable and that it is a problem that won’t go away.  When he tells you again that this is about him, not you, don’t let him get away with saying he doesn’t know what the problem is.  Insist that he figure it out or you figure it out together.

Here are some reasons he could be having a problem: 

*Of course, he could be gay.  Any signs?

*He could have a medical problem and need treatment for something serious or simply need one of the medications for this.

*The two of you may be spending too much non-quality time together – which causes sexual boredom.  Regularly scheduled time apart might cause him to miss you enough to get charged up again.

*He may have the Madonna/whore complex where he can’t feel turned on to someone he cherishes and sees as the mother of his children.  Talk to him about this and if it’s true, get therapy together to get him past it.

*Something you are doing (or a resentment from the past) may be turning him off and he’s unable to tell you, i.e. you may be talking to him like you’re his mother – the key issue that shuts men down sexually.  Ask him, and work on it if there is something.

*He may feel pressured.  If you wear teddies and pursue him sexually when he feels non-sexual or inadequate, it will only make the problem worse.  Back off from commenting or acting sexual toward him.  Instead, dress and/or act “indirectly” sexual.

* Many men start to see having sex as another job that they are too tired to perform.

When you have sex with him, do you require him to spend lots of time turning you on?  If so, tell him that you will turn the tables and he can just lay there, or at least start participating more to turn him on.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!

EXES- SHOULD YOU STAY FRIENDS OR NOT?  Angelina Jolie likes to stay in touch with her exes.  Life & Style Magazine recently called me and asked me why she would want to do that and I told them. 

Why do people keep exes in their lives, and should they?

The Why:

1)         APPROVAL ISSUES.  The person who was rejected has a secret longing to win their ex back, believing that they can prove they are lovable enough and make up for the things they did wrong by being a really good friend.  Whereas, the person who ended the relationship often wants to stay friends because they need to believe their ex still “likes” them even though they ended the relationship. 

2)         TROUBLE LETTING GO.  People who want to stay in touch with their exes often just have trouble letting go because they have unfinished family issues like abandonment (like Angelina Jolie with her dad). 

3)         STILL WANT BENEFITS.  Often people don’t want to give up “using” their ex like they have in the past, whether it’s sexual financial or otherwise.

4)         COMFORT ZONE.  People often don’t want to give up the comfort of their ex because it feels like family and/or they don’t want to have to face the dating world. 

5)         FANTASY IS BETTER THAN THE REALITY.  It’s easy to forget how awful it was, and easier to remember the good times, so we want to keep these people in our lives. 

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX 

1)         It will hold you back from future relationships—whether you ended it or not—because you still put time and energy in “this” relationship, and it’s meeting some of your present needs. 

2)         If you were rejected, staying friends with him keeps you psychologically stuck.  Instead, you need to process your anger and approval issues in a letter and be done. 

3)         It will almost always cause problems with your present mate. 

4)         If you want to be friends, it needs to be after BOTH of you have moved on. 

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!

DO YOU NEED RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING? Couples often put off seeing a therapist, hoping that things will work themselves out on their own.  Many times we think the issues got resolved, when what really happened is we forgot about it, and then the same issue rears it ugly head again.  And when it comes back with it brings back all the resentment from fighting about it before.  When this occurs again and again, it erodes a couple’s relationship, eventually reaching a point of no return.  Think of relationship counseling as divorce prevention. Could your relationship be at this point?Take this quiz and find out. 

Quiz:1)      Do you often feel hurt and/or angry by your mate’s actions? 

2)      Do you keep thinking “If I do this or that, our relationship will improve,” but it doesn’t? 

3)      Do you fight about the same issues again and again? 

4)      Does the “divorce” word sometimes get thrown up during fights by one or both of you? 

5)      Do your fights often seem to be about ridiculous things?  (signs of a power struggle) 

6)      Do your edit your conversation with your mate, feeling that it’s emotionally unsafe to just say it like it is( because you may be judged, criticized and/or not understood)? 

7)      Do you feel lonely in your own home? 

      Do you wish that your relationship had more fun, more intimacy and/or more peacefulness in it? 

9)      Do you think that if he or she would just change, then you would be happy? 

10)    Are you sometimes embarrassed by your own behavior in the relationship (and fear what you may be teaching your kids)?           

If you answered yes to only 1 or 2 of the questions above, you can probably talk to your mate and work these issues out yourself .  3 – 5 yes answers means that you and your mate need to set aside time and do some serious talking and try to work through our issues.  If couples would talk to each other more, they wouldn’t need me (or any therapist) as much.  If you answered yes to more than 5 of these questions, you definitely need relationship counseling.  Don’t do what most couples do and wait to come in when one of you already wants a divorce or has cheated – often too much damage has been done to fix the relationship by then.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!

8 Key Ingredients of Love By Carolyn Bushong 

The Eight Key Ingredients of Love 

1.                  Common relationship goals regarding the present and the future including (but not limited to) emotional intimacy, quality time together, pursuit of interests, marriage, children, social life, a home, financial security, sexual intimacy and companionship.

2.                  A Feeling of goodwill that comes from warmth and truly wanting the very best for your mate.

3.                  Excitement and interest created by bringing your separate and unique personalities to the relationship.

4.                  Freedom to be yourselves and follow your own interests resulting from both feeling secure in yourselves and the relationship.

5.                  Ability to search for and find solutions to problems because you respect each other and your differences, and seek solutions that meet both your needs.

6.                  A deep bond between you that others can’t penetrate. 7.                  Security that comes from trusting your mate and knowing that you are both equally committed to the relationship.8.                  Commitment to, and a vision of, your future together for many years to come.

About the Author:  Carolyn Bushong, a Denver, CO licensed therapist, helps couples resolve issues and helps singles with dating advice — in her office, online, and by phone.  She’s author of Loving Him Without Losing You, Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With, and The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make.  She’s appeared on Oprah and the View.  http://www.carolynsays.com.  303-333-1888.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THERAPYPart 2Kathy Chose a Therapist Just Like Her “Boyfriends”From New Woman Magazine 06/88 by Carolyn Bushong 

Kathy was frustrated.  She’d been in therapy for years and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting any better.  In fact, at times she was sure her problem – her relationships with men – was getting worse.

She’d been through two marriages and a string of dead-end dating experiences with men who refused to make a commitment to her.

“I can’t get my therapist to listen to me,” she said to her women’s support group, which she joined to supplement her therapy.  “He says I’m to demanding and my expectations are too high.  He makes me feel that’s there’s something wrong with me.  He doesn’t understand that the harder I try, the worse my situation seems to get.”

The women’s group pointed out to her that her problems with her therapist were the same problems she cited repeatedly in describing her relationships with other men in her life – they don’t listen, they don’t understand, I keep trying……  For the first time, Kathy questioned whether she had been getting good therapy.

She didn’t realize that her relationship with her therapist had become just as dysfunctional as all her other relationships.  And just like in her relationships with men, she kept trying to prove something to him instead of moving on.

Transference:Most people who go into therapy do not understand “transference.”  It is the process whereby a client transfers his or her feelings, needs, and/or behaviors onto the therapist.  Kathy had gone into her therapist’s office looking for his approval more than help and direction.  Then she behaved with him like she does with other men, handing him complete control, never questioning anything he said to her, and continuing to try to please him and make him understand.  She played out her problem with men with her therapist. 

It’s not always negative, however.  A male client of mine once told me he had never met a woman who understood him as well as I did, and that because of this, he was falling in love with me.  I explained transference and that it sometimes happens, but let him know that this was a business relationship and not “real” in that sense.  I told him that expecting to be “accepted” by women was something I was teaching him, and my goal for him was that he would find other women who would understand him as well.

Countertransference:

Therapists are people too and often have their own issues.  Countertransference is when a therapist transfers his or her own feeling, needs, and/or behaviors onto the client.  In Kathy’s case, her therapist may have had a need to dominate a woman, he may be a man who dominates his wife OR  someone whose wife dominates him, leaving him with a need to feel strong and important in his therapy sessions.  This may be conscious or he may be oblivious that he is even acting this way.  Therapists often have their own “authority” issues (like doctors) and may play too strong a role in a client’s life, fostering dependency from clients.  Other therapists may not take enough authority and try too hard to become the client’s friend (needing to be needed), always consoling, rather that teaching the person how to gain better control of their life.

Getting good therapy probably isn’t any easier than getting good medical treatment., and it may take more than one try to find the right person.  But by choosing a therapist carefully, asking your friends who has helped them, asking the right questions, and most of all, following your innermost gut feelings, you can find the right therapist and change your life.

About the Author: Carolyn Bushong, a Denver, CO licensed therapist, helps couples resolve issues and helps singles with dating advice — in her office, online, and by phone. She’s author of Loving Him Without Losing You, Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With, and The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make. She’s appeared on Oprah and the View. http://www.carolynsays.com. 303-333-1888.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!

THERAPY EXPECTATIONS

By Carolyn Bushong

(excerpted from my article in New Woman Magazine, June 1988) People go into therapy for different reasons.  Often a life crisis, such as a divorce or loss of a job, triggers the decision.  Sometimes a client wants to overcome anxiety or depression.  People also reach out for help with addictions to alcohol and/or drugs or eating disorders.  Others just want help dealing with normal living issues, such as sexual incompatibilities or confusion about men’s and women’s roles – or some just want help with personal growth and happiness issues.             Therapy no longer carries the stigma it used to, although some people would still prefer to call it “coaching.”  But many people still don’t know what to expect from therapy.  Often spouse or boyfriend will say, “Okay, I’ll go to therapy!” not really knowing what that means.  Therapy is sometimes seen as the answer itself, rather than the means to solving the problem.  Expectations of therapy are often unrealistic, i.e. therapy only works if the therapist knows what he or she is doing AND the client is open to change. What You Can Expect From Therapy: ·        That you should be able to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets without judgment from the therapist.·        To learn better communication skills·        That you can express your full range of emotions, including fears, in a safe place·        Support and understanding of your pain·        Skill to help you exert greater control over your life, whether it is in your relationships or at work·        Confrontation on your own personal issues  Responsibilities of the Therapy Client: *To choose a therapist that is right for you*To let your therapist know when you are not getting what you want*To monitor your own progress*To watch out for dependency on the therapist*To trust your gut more than your therapist’s authority and let him or her know when something doesn’t feel right*To take a break from or terminate therapy whenever you want to*To set goals with your therapist*To report any therapist who crosses a line with you sexually or otherwise (In upcoming issues, we will discuss other therapy topics, such as:  “How Kathy Chose a Therapist just like the Men She Dates,” “Different Types of Therapy and whether to Choose a Man or a Woman,” “Problems that Crop up in Therapy, such as Transference.”)

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THERAPY

Part 2

Kathy Chose a Therapist Just Like Her “Boyfriends”

From New Woman Magazine 06/88 by Carolyn Bushong

Kathy was frustrated.  She’d been in therapy for years and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting any better.  In fact, at times she was sure her problem - her relationships with men - was getting worse.

She’d been through two marriages and a string of dead-end dating experiences with men who refused to make a commitment to her.

“I can’t get my therapist to listen to me,” she said to her women’s support group, which she joined to supplement her therapy.  “He says I’m to demanding and my expectations are too high.  He makes me feel that’s there’s something wrong with me.  He doesn’t understand that the harder I try, the worse my situation seems to get.”

The women’s group pointed out to her that her problems with her therapist were the same problems she cited repeatedly in describing her relationships with other men in her life - they don’t listen, they don’t understand, I keep trying……  For the first time, Kathy questioned whether she had been getting good therapy.

She didn’t realize that her relationship with her therapist had become just as dysfunctional as all her other relationships.  And just like in her relationships with men, she kept trying to prove something to him instead of moving on.

Transference:

Most people who go into therapy do not understand “transference.“  It is the process whereby a client transfers his or her feelings, needs, and/or behaviors onto the therapist.  Kathy had gone into her therapist’s office looking for his approval more than help and direction.  Then she behaved with him like she does with other men, handing him complete control, never questioning anything he said to her, and continuing to try to please him and make him understand.  She played out her problem with men with her therapist.

It’s not always negative, however.  A male client of mine once told me he had never met a woman who understood him as well as I did, and that because of this, he was falling in love with me.  I explained transference and that it sometimes happens, but let him know that this was a business relationship and not “real” in that sense.  I told him that expecting to be “accepted” by women was something I was teaching him, and my goal for him was that he would find other women who would understand him as well.

Countertransference:

Therapists are people too and often have their own issues.  Countertransference is when a therapist transfers his or her own feeling, needs, and/or behaviors onto the client.  In Kathy’s case, her therapist may have had a need to dominate a woman, he may be a man who dominates his wife OR  someone whose wife dominates him, leaving him with a need to feel strong and important in his therapy sessions.  This may be conscious or he may be oblivious that he is even acting this way.  Therapists often have their own “authority” issues (like doctors) and may play too strong a role in a client’s life, fostering dependency from clients.  Other therapists may not take enough authority and try too hard to become the client’s friend (needing to be needed), always consoling, rather that teaching the person how to gain better control of their life.

Getting good therapy probably isn’t any easier than getting good medical treatment., and it may take more than one try to find the right person.  But by choosing a therapist carefully, asking your friends who has helped them, asking the right questions, and most of all, following your innermost gut feelings, you can find the right therapist and change your life.

About the Author: Carolyn Bushong, a Denver, CO licensed therapist, helps couples resolve issues and helps singles with dating advice — in her office, online, and by phone. She’s author of Loving Him Without Losing You, Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With, and The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make. She’s appeared on Oprah and the View. http://www.carolynsays.com. 303-333-1888.

Would you like to buy Carolyn’s wonderful and helpful books? Just click here!