She Wants Sex, He Doesn’t
LOVE ADVICE
Q&A: She wants sex, he doesn’t.
Question:
I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man! He’s a loving family man with a secure job, he loves me dearly and tells me often, and he doesn’t have a problem showing affection toward me in public. The problem is when we go to bed. He likes to hold me, but that’s it. He NEVER takes the initiative to make love – and many times when I do, I get turned down. He says that the problem is not with me, but with himself, and he does not know what it is. I’m afraid our love-making will become non-existent after we are married. What should I do?
Answer:
You are right to be worried about your sex life before marriage since marriage seldom makes passion grow stronger. You have more power now to change the situation – before the commitment is final, so stress that this must be resolved before you wed. Tell him that you enjoy sex with him, but that his lack of desire and passion makes you feel less desirable and that it is a problem that won’t go away. When he tells you again that this is about him, not you, don’t let him get away with saying he doesn’t know what the problem is. Insist that he figure it out or you figure it out together.
Here are some reasons he could be having a problem:
*Of course, he could be gay. Any signs?
*He could have a medical problem and need treatment for something serious or simply need one of the medications for this.
*The two of you may be spending too much non-quality time together – which causes sexual boredom. Regularly scheduled time apart might cause him to miss you enough to get charged up again.
*He may have the Madonna/whore complex where he can’t feel turned on to someone he cherishes and sees as the mother of his children. Talk to him about this and if it’s true, get therapy together to get him past it.
*Something you are doing (or a resentment from the past) may be turning him off and he’s unable to tell you, i.e. you may be talking to him like you’re his mother – the key issue that shuts men down sexually. Ask him, and work on it if there is something.
*He may feel pressured. If you wear teddies and pursue him sexually when he feels non-sexual or inadequate, it will only make the problem worse. Back off from commenting or acting sexual toward him. Instead, dress and/or act “indirectly” sexual.
* Many men start to see having sex as another job that they are too tired to perform.
When you have sex with him, do you require him to spend lots of time turning you on? If so, tell him that you will turn the tables and he can just lay there, or at least start participating more to turn him on.
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