Ex-Spouses: Should You Be Friends?
EXES- SHOULD YOU STAY FRIENDS OR NOT? Angelina Jolie likes to stay in touch with her exes. Life & Style Magazine recently called me and asked me why she would want to do that and I told them.
Why do people keep exes in their lives, and should they?
The Why:
1) APPROVAL ISSUES. The person who was rejected has a secret longing to win their ex back, believing that they can prove they are lovable enough and make up for the things they did wrong by being a really good friend. Whereas, the person who ended the relationship often wants to stay friends because they need to believe their ex still “likes” them even though they ended the relationship.
2) TROUBLE LETTING GO. People who want to stay in touch with their exes often just have trouble letting go because they have unfinished family issues like abandonment (like Angelina Jolie with her dad).
3) STILL WANT BENEFITS. Often people don’t want to give up “using” their ex like they have in the past, whether it’s sexual financial or otherwise.
4) COMFORT ZONE. People often don’t want to give up the comfort of their ex because it feels like family and/or they don’t want to have to face the dating world.
5) FANTASY IS BETTER THAN THE REALITY. It’s easy to forget how awful it was, and easier to remember the good times, so we want to keep these people in our lives.
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX
1) It will hold you back from future relationships—whether you ended it or not—because you still put time and energy in “this” relationship, and it’s meeting some of your present needs.
2) If you were rejected, staying friends with him keeps you psychologically stuck. Instead, you need to process your anger and approval issues in a letter and be done.
3) It will almost always cause problems with your present mate.
4) If you want to be friends, it needs to be after BOTH of you have moved on.
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