WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THERAPYPart 2Kathy Chose a Therapist Just Like Her “Boyfriends”From New Woman Magazine 06/88 by Carolyn Bushong 

Kathy was frustrated.  She’d been in therapy for years and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting any better.  In fact, at times she was sure her problem – her relationships with men – was getting worse.

She’d been through two marriages and a string of dead-end dating experiences with men who refused to make a commitment to her.

“I can’t get my therapist to listen to me,” she said to her women’s support group, which she joined to supplement her therapy.  “He says I’m to demanding and my expectations are too high.  He makes me feel that’s there’s something wrong with me.  He doesn’t understand that the harder I try, the worse my situation seems to get.”

The women’s group pointed out to her that her problems with her therapist were the same problems she cited repeatedly in describing her relationships with other men in her life – they don’t listen, they don’t understand, I keep trying……  For the first time, Kathy questioned whether she had been getting good therapy.

She didn’t realize that her relationship with her therapist had become just as dysfunctional as all her other relationships.  And just like in her relationships with men, she kept trying to prove something to him instead of moving on.

Transference:Most people who go into therapy do not understand “transference.”  It is the process whereby a client transfers his or her feelings, needs, and/or behaviors onto the therapist.  Kathy had gone into her therapist’s office looking for his approval more than help and direction.  Then she behaved with him like she does with other men, handing him complete control, never questioning anything he said to her, and continuing to try to please him and make him understand.  She played out her problem with men with her therapist. 

It’s not always negative, however.  A male client of mine once told me he had never met a woman who understood him as well as I did, and that because of this, he was falling in love with me.  I explained transference and that it sometimes happens, but let him know that this was a business relationship and not “real” in that sense.  I told him that expecting to be “accepted” by women was something I was teaching him, and my goal for him was that he would find other women who would understand him as well.

Countertransference:

Therapists are people too and often have their own issues.  Countertransference is when a therapist transfers his or her own feeling, needs, and/or behaviors onto the client.  In Kathy’s case, her therapist may have had a need to dominate a woman, he may be a man who dominates his wife OR  someone whose wife dominates him, leaving him with a need to feel strong and important in his therapy sessions.  This may be conscious or he may be oblivious that he is even acting this way.  Therapists often have their own “authority” issues (like doctors) and may play too strong a role in a client’s life, fostering dependency from clients.  Other therapists may not take enough authority and try too hard to become the client’s friend (needing to be needed), always consoling, rather that teaching the person how to gain better control of their life.

Getting good therapy probably isn’t any easier than getting good medical treatment., and it may take more than one try to find the right person.  But by choosing a therapist carefully, asking your friends who has helped them, asking the right questions, and most of all, following your innermost gut feelings, you can find the right therapist and change your life.

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